Last One in the Cement Pond's a Rotten Egg!

I would love to win the lottery.  I admit, I’m somewhat envious of the two winners of the latest Mega Millions jackpot.  Only one of the two has come forward as of today and I’m happy for him and all, but damn I wish that were me.

Stan and I have passed the time on many occasions talking about “what if,” as in, “what if we won a lottery?”  What would we want to do with the money?  Depending on where I’m working when we have these discussions and on whom I’m working with, I either want to give everyone a nice chunk of change to show them how much I appreciate them before I go riding off in my newly acquired stretch limo, never to be seen again at said place of employment because I quit immediately, OR I want to stay working at my place of employment for a few weeks, rub it in by acting like I don’t really care that I’ve just won millions of dollars (“It’s not going to change me!”) and see how different the assholes I work with will start treating me now that they can see I exist, like Glenda the Good Witch suddenly appearing in their midst.

   

Then, after being kissed up to sufficiently by all my mortal enemies, I’d get into my stretch limo, flip everyone the bird and ride off never to be seen again until I circled the block again, then again, then probably again at the close of business for the next few days while everyone’s in the parking lot, leaving after their miserable day at work, wishing they were me.  Then I’d laugh.  I’d try to laugh the way Darth Vader would laugh if he indeed ever laughed.  Glenda the Good Witch can be a total ass sometimes.

Then, I’d go shopping, buy everything I wanted on infomercials for the next month and order a bunch of stuff from QVC and the Home Shopping Network.  The UPS dudes would know me, and perhaps fear me.

Much like "The Jeffersons," I'd be "movin' on up!"

Then I’d give some money to a charity, because I could mention my “charitable foundation” while I was laughing like Darth Vader at someone.

Wait!  I know what I’d want to do if I won the lottery!  I’d want my own reality show.  Everyone else has one, so why not me?  I don’t have any kids, so I’ll just borrow someone else’s for the purposes of the show.  Like most cheesy, partially scripted and almost totally, fake “reality” shows, me and my “family” would meet in a big, spacious, lighting-recessed room to have “family meeting time,” like that’s something we always do.  Then we’d discuss during the “family meeting time” that we were going to go someplace ridiculous where real people don’t ever go, like a dude ranch, and it would be for charity.  Then we’d have all of this great, fish-out-of-water footage of ourselves at some dorky dude ranch helping some sick kids or something like that.  There would also be “vittles.” 

We’d act like we always did these family trips to help the less fortunate.  In fact, we could talk about how we used to do the same thing before we were rich.  We’d make up stories about how we’d have “family meeting time” near the most recently painted dumpster outside the ghetto apartment building we lived in down in “the hood.”  We’d start a fire in a metal trashcan, huddle near the fire next to the hobos and the crack heads and plan to take the bus to a nearby soup kitchen to pitch in.  See, that would make us look like we’d always been wonderful, even before the money.  We would also use the term “pay it forward” constantly in case anyone missed the fact that we are better than other people.

I think I would become a luxury hoarder, too.   Maybe I would hoard diamonds.  I’ll be that would get me a segment on that “Hoarders” show.  That would help me promote my reality show, that I would call, “Real Lottery Winners of Oklahoma.”  Cool, huh?

I'm so excited by my fantastic ideas, why should  I wait to win the lottery to do all this cool stuff?  I could have my own reality show right now.   My husband and I could start having “family meeting time” right now!  There are some kids in the neighborhood, we’ll grab a few of them, it’ll be fine, I’m sure.  There’s no dude ranch to help sick kids at, but there are some nearby parks that are actually very nice and well kept.  We could go litter at those parks so people who go there will have something meaningful to do!  They can clean up the parks!  Wow.  That is an awesome idea on my part.  I can take some simple household trash and pay it forward to my community.

What am I waiting for?  “Family meeting time!  Family meeting time!”

I'm ready for my close up.